A lacking.
In the past, I talked about not knowing what to do. I guess that wasn't that much of a problem back then because I didn't have the creative itch. Now I have that itch, yet, I can't really make anything, because I don't know what to do. So instead, I am here.
In that same microblog, I said that I didn't know if someone was reading my blogs or not. Well, I can be certain that no one is reading these. How do I know? I found there is an analytics page, and it says I have 0 readers. So now, I know for sure, I am talking to myself. Still, that is not a problem, I will talk even to myself. There is a relaxing aspect about that; not being seen.
I tried turning this into a sort of vlog... but I couldn't. I can't, for the sake of my life, speak out loud. I don't like having limitations of that kind, because on the technical side, I should be able to record myself — but realistically, I can't. So it has to become a regular microblog post.
You could consider this a continuation of that previous post I mentioned. Because in that same post I also said that I was envious of people who know what to do. I put it in the perspective of quitting social media, but that's not necessary, even if you do not spend all the time in social media, it can happen that, you simply don't know what to do with that time. That is my case, at least.
But there are people out there who know. They are fascinated by certain things, certain activities, a game, an anime, a manga, reading a type of book, reading a genre of fiction. Those interest that grip the person into wanting to spend their time doing something do not exist within me. I can feel like I want to do something but if I try and do it, it is very vapid, it goes away instantly.
At some point, I am left without anything that I want to do, but a vague sensation that I want to do something. This is not something new, I've always had this issue. A lot of time from my teenage years were spent trying to find things, experiencing things, things that could spark some sort of interest or fascination in me. Something of the kind that I see other people have, something like a "favorite game" or "favorite anime". I highly respect the people that stick to one thing that they really like, because I cannot do that.
Do not get me wrong —in more ways that one—; first, there are things I like, I like them more than other things I like. If you were to ask me for my favorite game, it is Yume Nikki. But I don't have a fascination with the game, I just think it is a very good game. Second, you don't have to have this fascination to make something, and your interests are not a representation of who you are as a person, but Online, on the Web, a huge deal of what you do and make is tied to these interests. So while I don't need to have any particular interest to make something —like, damn, I am doing something right now, even though I have nothing to say about anything other than myself—, it is true that this lack of direction affects how I am and how I feel.
Other people can tell you to do something; they can tell you to play a certain game or watch a certain anime, or read a book, or learn a language. But that's just because that's the place where their interests reside, if those interest do not ring true to you, then the experience you get will not provide you even 1/10th of the satisfaction those individuals get from it. Your motivation will dwindle, and you'll give up, and in the end... What can you do?
Well, if I had the answer to that, then I wouldn't be writing this. I want to finish this post by saying that this is exclusively about what to do with your free time, this post is not about the direction you decide to take your life ("choosing what to do with your life") or anything like that, but primarily about spending too much time looking at the ceiling while feeling like you want to do something instead.